How to Build Confidence in Your Sexuality

During a recent retreat, a participant came up to me and shared that she has issues with her sexuality.

I asked her, what kind of issues? "A lack of confidence," she answered.

Since "a lack of confidence" didn't seem like the precise explanation,

I asked her if she meant that she doesn't feel safe when she gets into bed with another person.

Her expression shifted, and she said yes.

We're sexual beings. And sexuality, whether we realize it or not, is a very significant part of our lives.

We came into the world through our parents' sexuality, we're drawn to other people, we pleasure ourselves, we have sex and make love, and yet most of us don't always know how to reach a state where we feel safe in bed.

What do I mean by safe? The ability to communicate our desires, worries, fears, and boundaries; to be able to express what we're feeling and experiencing during sex; and to feel comfortable changing, stopping, or asking for anything we want during sex.

I meet people who have been in a relationship for years and still can't tell their partner that something doesn't feel good, that they'd want more or something different, that they don't feel seen, and so on.

For years I was afraid to step into intimacy with women. From a young age I learned to please, and to do what I was "supposed" to do to come off as the most impressive man in bed. In certain situations, when a woman showed up with desires and energies that didn't match mine, I got scared. Sometimes I'd find myself doing things that didn't feel good to me, unable to "perform," and above all, not creating the experience I actually wanted.

The pornographic act

Most of us learned about sex through movies, TV shows, and porn.

In those scenes, you usually see two people who seem full of confidence, who know exactly what the other wants, who look good, and who slide into an act that looks amazing. What you might call the pornographic act.

But in reality, all of us have lived through experiences, encounters, worries, emotions, and insecurity, especially when it comes to our sexuality, and yet we still try to copy those same scenes we learned about sex from.

Part of that copying includes avoiding any conversation before or during the act, and it mainly blocks the very conversation that creates safety, intimacy, and closeness.

Which leads to a situation where we can be having the most intimate, close encounter without actually feeling intimate or close.

This is something that can be solved easily by shifting our mindset toward communication during sex.

After years of avoidance and worry, I started to speak up and lead the situation toward what would make me feel safe.

If two people want different things, the person who needs certain things in order to feel safe "wins," and you go with what they need.

The thing is, most of us think that talking about sex before or during "ruins the moment," but the opposite is true.

The moment we communicate our boundaries and desires before and during the encounter, there's so much more freedom afterward.

So what am I suggesting? An opportunity.

Next time, before you get into bed, make a decision: to freely say what I have to say, to speak up during if something doesn't feel good, isn't quite right for me, or if I want something different.

The other thing is a framework well known in the world of conscious sexuality, called RBDSM.

A conversation designed to create clarity and safety so that everyone involved can be relaxed and not held back by image, ego, or people-pleasing.

Relationship

Boundaries

Desires

Sexual Health

Meaning

Aftermath

Consciousness

Relationship: Where am I in life right now, am I seeing other people, what am I looking for, or what do I not want.

Boundaries: What are my boundaries? Do I have boundaries? Do I understand them? Do I want sex? Or maybe I'm getting into bed just for a hug and a little touch. That's a boundary I want to communicate, so no one accidentally touches me somewhere I don't like being touched.

Desires: What do I want to happen? What do I like? Where does it feel good to me?

Sexual Health: Have I been tested recently? Do I have anything? Am I planning to use a condom?

Meaning: What does this act symbolize for me? Maybe for me it's the beginning of a relationship, and the person across from me wants something one-time.

Aftermath: What do I want after it's over? Maybe I want to cuddle, and the person I'm with wants to sleep alone?

Consciousness: Is either of us under the influence of alcohol or drugs?

You communicate all of these beforehand, and then there's no room for disappointments, mistakes, people-pleasing, getting hurt, worries, or letdowns.